I bet all those people with the “Find the Cure” pink ribbons-stickers on their vehicles are really going to regret putting them on after the cure is found because they look pretty hard to take off.

When I have kids I’m going to make them smoke a cigarette before they get their dessert. That way, when they turn into teenagers they’ll want to rebel and quit smoking.

I bought the book “What To Expect When You’re Expecting” thinking it was a book for ninjas.

I want to make a TV show where I grab random people from the street to come into a room to drink a dozen Red Bulls and then try to follow some instructions to learn how to knit. They would receive $100 for every sweater they make.

Man, it’s so inconvenient that my cleaning lady quit the day after I had an all-night cottage cheese slip-and-slide party.

I would probably be a smoker if advertisers had dinosaurs in their ads.

So far my Open-Door-And-Feel-Free-To-Tickle-Me policy for my office has had no takers.

I bet it’s super awkward when two guys who look like girls are both on an elevator and they both try to be a gentleman by letting the ladies off first.

With my Christmas bonus I’m going to pay someone to make tons of Hell’s Angels jackets and donate them to homeless people in cities all over North America.

Now that my beard is big enough, I can finally go to parks dressed up like I’ve been sleeping for about a decade. I like to walk up to people rubbing my eyes and ask “Have scientists invented a way of making huge monsters to protect cities yet?”