Every time I’ve tried to get a little kinky during a cybersex session it’s ended in disaster.

I wouldn’t say that I’m addicted to heroin, it’s more like heroin is addicted to me.

They should sell the Titanic Soundtrack with a cover to make it look like a blank CD, that way I could just write “Mr. Viking Love Mix 2008″ and give it to which ever girl I’m currently courting.

If it was scientifically proven that mermaids granted wishes I bet that scuba divers would have a reputation for being desperate losers.

Whenever a new friend invites me over, I like to unravel their entire roll of toilet paper and then roll it back up. Their reaction tells me a lot about them.

I found the reason why I was not getting any job interviews. My friend told me to get rid of this line from my skills section:

• Very good at matching beer with various breakfasts. (For example: Heineken goes great with Frosted Flakes)

A part of me hopes that there are aliens watching us from afar and that one day our scientists accidentally create a black hole and we all disappear leaving these aliens very confused.

Medical substance advertisers should list their side-effects in a more positive fashion. Instead of saying “sleepiness” they could say “may cause Koala-like behavior” and instead of mood-swings they could say “may cause your significant other to buy you gifts”. They could even throw in a few that probably won’t happen like “may cause a slight case of ESP.”

I would be a great writer for the fortune cookie industry. I have some ideas already:

• Your self-esteem could probably be a little higher.
• If you are on a first date right now, it is probably too early to start thinking about a goodnight kiss.
•  Everyone you show/read this fortune to, will get one of the following: HIV, Cancer, Leprosy, Rabies.
• Laugh at this fortune, then eat it and you will get good luck for one year.
• Help! I’m imprisoned in the kitchen of where you bought this food from.
• I know your secret. Put $1,000 in the mailbox at 938 Pine St. if you want me to keep quiet.

I bet all those people with the “Find the Cure” pink ribbons-stickers on their vehicles are really going to regret putting them on after the cure is found because they look pretty hard to take off.