I sometimes send close friends and family emails that are delayed by one year. If I die within the year then “Hey what’s up? I feel like I’ve been asleep for weeks! Anything new?” is going to freak them out.

A good way of testing if someone trusts you is to ask them to smell your fingers.

Whenever I get on the bus, I always ask the driver: “Do you allow homophobes on the bus?” No matter what the driver answers I always reply: “Ok good” and then I go sit down.

If you want to warm up your home really quickly, all you need to do is glue the “door-closed” detectors in your microwave and then turn it on for 20 or so minutes!

At wookiee parties, do the first ones to pass out get shaved?

Whenever I go to an art gallery I like to ask if they have any original Anne Geddes’.

I got a bumper sticker that reads: “If you’re close enough to read this then you’re probably using the fuel-saving technique called ‘Drafting’. I understand this and I am not upset.”

Wheelchairs on the road at night are creepy.

Hand made bicycles made of tinfoil are absolutely useless.

It’s pretty hard to get a portfolio started as a freelance cremator.