A part of me hopes that there are aliens watching us from afar and that one day our scientists accidentally create a black hole and we all disappear leaving these aliens very confused.

Medical substance advertisers should list their side-effects in a more positive fashion. Instead of saying “sleepiness” they could say “may cause Koala-like behavior” and instead of mood-swings they could say “may cause your significant other to buy you gifts”. They could even throw in a few that probably won’t happen like “may cause a slight […]

I would be a great writer for the fortune cookie industry. I have some ideas already:

Your self-esteem could probably be a little higher.
If you are on a first date right now, it is probably too early to start thinking about a goodnight kiss.
 Everyone you show/read this fortune to, will get one of the following: HIV, […]

I bet all those people with the “Find the Cure” pink ribbons-stickers on their vehicles are really going to regret putting them on after the cure is found because they look pretty hard to take off.

When I have kids I’m going to make them smoke a cigarette before they get their dessert. That way, when they turn into teenagers they’ll want to rebel and quit smoking.

I bought the book “What To Expect When You’re Expecting” thinking it was a book for ninjas.

I want to make a TV show where I grab random people from the street to come into a room to drink a dozen Red Bulls and then try to follow some instructions to learn how to knit. They would receive $100 for every sweater they make.