Man, it’s so inconvenient that my cleaning lady quit the day after I had an all-night cottage cheese slip-and-slide party.

I would probably be a smoker if advertisers had dinosaurs in their ads.

So far my Open-Door-And-Feel-Free-To-Tickle-Me policy for my office has had no takers.

I bet it’s super awkward when two guys who look like girls are both on an elevator and they both try to be a gentleman by letting the ladies off first.

With my Christmas bonus I’m going to pay someone to make tons of Hell’s Angels jackets and donate them to homeless people in cities all over North America.

Now that my beard is big enough, I can finally go to parks dressed up like I’ve been sleeping for about a decade. I like to walk up to people rubbing my eyes and ask “Have scientists invented a way of making huge monsters to protect cities yet?”

The government should put in a volunteer tax program where people can give money to get special rights. Say if you give an extra $5,000 you will be allowed to a have sword-wielding monkey around with you in public. Or for $10,000 you could be allowed to ride a horse anywhere you want, even indoors. […]

I wish that when black people got hit in the eye they would get a white eye, just so that they would understand how us caucasians suffer.

My landlord is a dick. His reasons for not allowing me to install a tetherball pole in my apartment are invalid.

I have figured out a perfect way of faking my own death, all I need now is a reason.