I like performing impractical jokes, like hitting people with my car far away from hospitals or shooting arrows into seas of people.

I hate it when the guy next to me at a urinal arrives there first and then finishes after me. I feel like such a pussy.

I would only get married if I could have the water song from Super Mario Bros. as the song for the first dance.

I’m addicted to interventions.

I hate when I’m in a job interview and the potential employer asks: “What is your biggest weakness?” Because I always answer: “I’m brutally honest. If I don’t like something, I will let the person responsible know about it. Also, I killed my family and I chopped them into BBQ-sized pieces and put them in […]

Alzheimer’s disease would be a lot cooler if it was more like the the common cold: Non-fatal and passed as a virus.