I wanted to buy a vehicle that made me look rugged and tough, but I also wanted it to be environmentally friendly. So I bought a hybrid and just tied a dead lion on top of it.

My Grandma called me today because she received a phone call from an unknown number and they hung up right when she answered. She wanted me to call the number and check to see why they called her. I told her that it was probably nothing and that it happens all the time, but she […]

If you’re not old enough to buy beer, just go into the store wearing nothing but a jacket that barely covers your sexual parts and some socks. Most stores are eager to get perverts outside as soon as possible.

I bring tranquilizer darts to every concert I go to. They’re much more effective than rotten tomatoes.

Everyone thinks it’s really cute and funny when I try to rob a bank with the old school Nintendo gun, until I pistol whip the teller and tie her up with the cord.

I’m tired of the white ghosts dominating the media. Black ghosts are just as good at haunting, they’re just harder to see.

Are prisoners allowed to get cryogenically frozen for the length of their sentence? I think killing someone and seemingly traveling into the future would be worth the cost of powering the machine for a few decades.

The makers of Monopoly should go back to their roots and release a Great Depression Edition. Each player would start with 6 dollars and they would all share a house on Mediterranean Avenue.