I bought a handgun. Not for self defense, but just in case I ever need to start a race.

Whenever I need to make a few bucks, I go to houses that have a “No soliciting” sign and ask them to donate a few dollars to help illiterate people like me learn how to read. They think that they’re supporting a good cause and making it less likely for people to annoy them, but […]

Sometimes when I’m bored, I’ll hop in my car and drive around looking for power-walkers to hit. If I ever get caught I’ll blame the fact that their upper body faked me out.

When I die, I’d like to be stripped naked and placed into orbit around the Earth.

I bet that people with narcolepsy have really bad stats in Counter-Strike.

I like to send my elderly profs emails asking if they want to shoot some hoops after class.

I hope my son will be able to see the humour in it when I make him walk home from his hockey games whenever he doesn’t score.

I trained my pet penguin to serve me beers whenever I’m watching TV. Now I’m an alcoholic.

A good way of breaking up with your girlfriend is to park your car on her parents’ lawn, swallow a handful of sleeping pills and then throw a beer bottle at their house.

I think everyone who’s ever played a flight simulator felt a little guilty when the planes hit the world trade centers.