I enjoy holding the door open for someone who is at least 10 seconds away. They always feel really bad, and it’s fun to make them feel even worse by saying “Whatever.” when they thank you.

My biggest fear is to fall from a plane with millions of wasps chasing me and someone shooting elastics at my eyes.

Through vigorous study, I have discovered that age is not a factor in whether or not a person will enjoy having ice put down their shirt unexpectedly.

A good way of getting back at your friend who asked you to give a speech during his wedding is to announce that you have AIDS half way through.

I think the main reason that Bruce Wayne doesn’t tell anyone that he’s Batman is because people would think that he’s a liar. “Oh, so you’re incredibly rich, good looking, polite, punctual, and your main hobby is to fight crime? I want you to drive me home Bruce.”

If I was the king of the world, the first thing I would do is blow up the moon. Then everyone would know that I mean business.

Whenever a homeless person asks me for spare change, I give them one of those chocolate loonies wrapped in tinfoil. This way I know that they won’t be buying any drugs.

Archery would be way more fun if the targets were moving, and if they were clowns.

There should be triathlon racing that starts with horse racing, then the jockeys get off and get on their hippos and race them, and finally get off the hippos and get on the shoulders of another human, and finish the race like that.

Instead of stuffing my bulge, I just wear shoes that are a few sizes too big.