Whenever my stomach rumbles I always think that it’s my cell phone vibrating, so I check my pocket to make sure I didn’t eat it.

My dream girl is someone who doesn’t decide to quit drinking after they wake up next to me.

I bought a car with a lot of head room because I’m a huge fan of waving my hands in the air like I just don’t care. I bought a Volvo because I frequently hit other cars.

The thing about spray-on jeans is that it seems like “Oh hey! Less laundry!”, but you still gotta wash the paint off your legs and it takes god damn forever. The spray-on belt is pretty cool though.

I hate to bust such a well kept secret, but the only reason the Beatles were any good was because they had access to the unreleased version of Guitar Hero. Oh, and Ringo was a robot.

Doing impressions of cartoon characters is a bad way of hitting on a girl, unless the girl is younger than 12.

Over the course of the last couple of weeks I have been spitting out all of my saliva once I get off the bus after work. Now everytime I get off the bus I have an excess amount of saliva in my mouth. My pick up line whenever I’m on the bus now is “Do […]

Officer: Are you aware of how fast you were going? Mr. Viking: Yeah, but there are bumps in the road at an equal distance from each other and I was timing the beat of my music to occur at the exact same time that I hit each bump. It was pretty cool.. until you pulled […]

I don’t like sitting in the window seat on a bus because what happens if the person beside me looks like they’ve fallen asleep? but really they’ve died? I can’t just climb over them can I?

“Sir…? could you kill me first? I never wanted to watch one of my friends die.” -Winnie the Pooh