I write “I am going to kill myself” in blood on all the paper money I have so that people are more likely to spend it quickly to get rid of it. It helps the economy.

If I ever have a daughter, I hope she’s hot enough and loud enough to be a good tennis player.

Since today is my last day at my job, I thought it would be cool to ride in on a motorcycle. My office is on the 24th floor though, and I ended up passing out on the elevator.

Dear Mario,
I realize that you have a duty to save the princess and I’m here to help you along the way, but I feel I’m not getting enough appreciation. Unlike you, I don’t shrink/lose abilities/die when I’m hit by one of those hideous creatures, I just get a little freaked out. You just need to […]

When I play chess I make all my pieces act out a soap opera. In my last game, my king was having a secret affair with one of my rooks and my queen was so overcome with grief that she killed herself. Then we killed all the blacks.

When you body surf, make sure you don’t do it too close to the shore. You might get beached and end up with tons of sand in your bathing suit.

I’d like to see Mythbusters attempt to bust the myth that cats have 9 lives.

Public washrooms should play the sound of a waterfall over the PA system because sometimes you think you have to go pee, but once you get there, you don’t actually have to go as badly as you thought.

After we win the war on terror, I’d really like to get rid of some other emotions. I think the world would be a better place without any frustrationists or grumpists.

I feel bad for my friend’s husband because my friend is always falling down the stairs and getting black eyes.